Bring or Take

You've been running around in my head these days and I'm really tired of it. I am sick of myself thinking where you are, what you are doing... My unwilling permission of your persisting existence in my daydreams, I'm sick of it. I know you don't mean to. I know you don't even realize. But you see, I have set goals for myself and you're doing the exact opposite of supporting me. Because of you, I'm starting to lose my way and it's just the beginning. I have seen that I am not to tread a smooth path towards my dreams but nevertheless I hoped and believed that I would be with an unrelentingly faithful heart. To my horror, you're poisoning my thoughts, seeping into every crack in my brain and causing me to waver from focusing on what's truly important. 

It's like I'm at the edge of a building about to jump and attempt to fly. But in that split second before I put everything on the line, a thought passes through my mind. What if you're standing at the bottom of the building willing to catch me if I fall then what am I supposed to do? Will I still wholeheartedly aim to soar when it will mean my going farther away from you? or will I just let gravity pull me down and hope to fall into your arms? But what if you're not there, will I pass away regretfully looking up at the heavens I could have been flying into?

  
//lost paragraph

I am sick of myself hoping I'd pass by you, you'd see me... The missed chances of long-awaited conversations repeat over and over in my head and I am forced to ponder over them and shove all other matters aside. Consciously, my many little actions depend upon you and no one else and I hate it. But it isn't your fault, is it? 

If only I could, then I would cherish all traces of you in me and put them in a box. I would smile as I reminisce pictures and scenes of you. I would believe that someday my hopes of you will not go to waste. I would remember everything that has happened and live my life. 

If only I could, then I would hunt down all traces of you in me and shoot them down. I would set all pictures and scenes of you on fire. I would throw in a dynamite and blow my hopes of you in smithereens. I would forget everything that has happened and live my life.

Do me a favour and pack your bags because I don't want any part of you. 

I want all of you.